Juanna's Blog

Wonder…

jagx — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 11:18:11 +0000

What it’s like to be in love with someone so….
angry at times, and sad at times, but worst so insecure at times.

I wonder what it’s like to pay for her heartbreaks in the past.
To open myself up completely. To give her everything.
And to tell her my most hidden away memories. And to even let her question them in chronological order.
Until she feels satisfied knowing. As psycho as that is.

I wonder what it’s like to be caught in a sudden storm of bad moods.
And worst, in a season of bad health. From aches to shakes to it just plain hurts.
To deal with her when her world spins out of focus. And the aftermath that follows it.
I wonder if it’s the rotten attitude that makes the last strand.
Or is it arguments in which every single thing I say is wrong, that is, if she will even let me speak.

I wonder what it’s like to constantly be demanded of my life long commitment to her.
To be asked for the material things I don’t know if I could afford.
For the things I don’t know if anyone could afford.
To be asked if I love her more than any past and future.

I wonder what it’s like to help her every single step of the way. In money and math.
When I have my own pile of worries. And she doesn’t even know where to begin to help me.
To always give but not expect anything in return.

I wonder what it’s like to deal with someone
who’s psycho, crazy, and unrealistic.
Who wants my undivided attention every minute of every day.
Someone who gets mad at the things I don’t do wrong.
And doesn’t take into consideration the things I do do right.

I wonder if these things are little tribulations that makes up the day.
Or if they would keep me up at night.

I wonder if it’s something I can put up with forever.
Or will I get fed up and say it’s been enough.
Or wake up and realize it’s been a one way street.

I wonder if I can help her.

On being a brat.

jagx — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 09:07:18 +0000

I get called one a lot by my family. And on my good days it’s “princess.”

The point is, I get pissed off, grossed out, and offended easily.I may or may not yell when i want something….

–

I actually am fuming mad at something tonight but I decided to save it for another day to see if my feelings will have subsided by then and I can write about it from a clear head. Until then…

My birthday is in 43 days.I was counting down towards it,because I was so excited about a week ago But I stopped and started dreading it.Now I just don’t care.

More than likely I’ll be staying home on my birthday.Well my family will be home,but just as they always are.Not my whole family though,just who lives here.(little bro’s,mom,sister,stepdad)

I realized it really doesn’t matter.In my experience birthdays are nothing special.My family usually forgets anyway,and especially my dad,he’ll just buy me something nice or gives me money to make it up So there’s nothing any more special about August 26.

Honestly I’d rather spend my birthday alone than be forced to hang out with people I don’t care about and/or who don’t care about me.Someone made me cry on my last birthday.At least I hope it won’t happen again this year. Besides it’s just another day.

I absolutely hate hate hate HATE surprises on my birthday or when someone tells me they have a surprise for me and won’t tell me.

or when they surprise me with their un-expected visit and i’m in a bitchy mood,or feeling disgusting or i dont have a drop of make up.LEAVE!

I need to post of a list of what i hate or love…I’ll do it on my next post!:)

Miss you<3

Didn’t feel special today.

jagx — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 06:56:29 +0000

I think what happened in your first real relationship sets your thinking for all relationships to come after.We all wished it ended in our favor don’t we?I had the pleasure of being left TWICE
By two different people,for the same girl,for who I,at my lowest,though was taller,darker,funner,prettier,less emotional,less girlie,more powerful, more deserving than I. I later learned that no,she’s just a immature mean homewrecker bitch,something I’d never want to be.But there you have it,my demon:the ex.

Whatever relationship I got into after that regardless of how great it was going,I always got this nagging feeling that I’m someone he’s settled for.There was someone out there in their past I couldn’t possibly compare to.It didn’t matter that he loved me at that moment What mattered was that he loved me more than anyone he’s ever loved before.

I couldn’t just ignore something that bothered me.Of course I know what the typical advice was for situations like this but a spade is a spade,if something bothers you it bothers you.No amount of logic can shake it.

I needed to feel that I was prettier, smarter,cuter,funnier,more deserving, and more loved than those who came before me.Even if it isn’t true.I needed to know it MY way.

Somewhere along that road I took a slight wrong turn that led me deeper and deeper into a place that I didn’t know and to a person I didn’t know.

I want to find that girl again. I want to be that girl again.The girl who had so much confidence no one could break her down.The girl who knew exactly what she wanted and wasn’t going to settle for anything less.The girl who knew she deserved better than to be left for someone else.Relationship and friendship wise.

Instead of just hiding it behind that ‘Careless’ girl I’m really not.

My demon must be satisfied.

ha,ha!

jagx — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 22:24:19 +0000

it sucks to run into your ex at the grocery store when you’re in your pajamas.

But it sucks more for him that you’re prettier than the girl he came with.

So Ha. Ha

I know you’re fed up ladies.But keep ya head up.

jagx — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 20:51:00 +0000

I need to start writing again. I don’t even remember why I stopped in the first place. The past month I was just really angry and bitchy and it seems as if people have been saying and doing things to get me even more angry. I need to just let it out, but sometimes I don’t know how and other times I just can’t talk about what’s going on.

I wish I could just learn to let everything go. I wish I could forget about those who hurt me, because I’m only hurting myself even more by thinking about what they did and I’m giving them more power.
This applies to more than one person.Just Saying.

One of the things I also miss is listening to tupac,it’s been so long since I’ve heard from him.haha. No really though,that’s one of the things that used to keep me calm and sane,It was before my life took a big turn and I was forced to go through adult-like things when I was just 16 years old.

He’s always been the only man who doesn’t fail to make me feel better after listening to him,most of his songs sound to me like advice,Especially since he talks about appreciating woman,and not many man know how to appreciate us as woman,not just the way we are to man or what we do for you,but all the pain we go through,With menstrual cycle,during labor,during pregnancy,through taking care of kids,and so many other things only women go through.I used to say I wasn’t going to marry anyone unless tupac came back to life.ha,how about that.The man who I thought was the love of my life was a dead man.

“
But please don’t cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive but don’t forget, girl keep your head up
And when he tells you you ain’t nothing don’t
believe him
And if he can’t learn to love you you should
leave him
Cause sista you don’t need him
And I ain’t tryin to gas ya up, I just call em
how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy
When brothas make babies, and leave a young
mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a
woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it’s time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don’t we’ll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can’t make one

He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up”

Bloody mary.

jagx — Thu, 20 May 2010 06:44:12 +0000

I’m sure most of you have heard about the urban legend of Bloody Mary. You look in a mirror, say Bloody Mary three times and then she appears and kills you. Well that’s the version I heard, but I know there are many more variations.

I was probably about five or six the first time I heard about Bloody Mary. My older cousin heard about her from friends and then told me about it. We were instant believers when we heard about the myth. I started asking kids in my class if they heard about her. Some did, some didn’t. Some believed she was real and wouldn’t dare trying to call her name, others claimed not to believe in her, but refused to prove themselves right.

One day my cousin and I decided we wanted to see what she actually looked like and wanted to find out if she really was real. Well, we already knew she was, we just needed verification. So, while at our grandma’s house, we went up into the attic with a hand mirror. Of course it was the middle of the day, we wouldn’t dare do it at night. We looked into the mirror and at the same time we said, “Bloody Mary”, then we said it again, by the third time neither of us said anything. “Why didn’t you say her name again?” my cousin asked. “Because I thought you were going to, so I wouldn’t have to”, I replied “You didn’t say her name either.” “I know, I was thinking the same thing you were”, she said. Apparently we were both more scared than we were willing to admit.

We decided to try again and we agreed that we would both say her name three times. So, we did and afterward we looked at each other terrified and we waited, but nothing happened. “It didn’t work!”, I said. “We must have done something wrong”, she replied. After all, we were total believers.

The next time I saw my cousin she told me her friends said it had to be done in the dark and we had to put water on the mirror by moving our hands around in a circular motion, while saying her name. “Okay, let’s try again”, I said. “Nooo! It really works this time. You can do it by yourself”, my cousin said, right before she left me alone in the attic. As much as I wanted to prove Bloody Mary was real, I wasn’t willing to do it alone.

The following weekend, my little sister and i were just hanging out. While we were playing in my room I asked her if she wanted to try calling Bloody Mary. She had no idea who she was, so I told her about the legend and he agreed to stay with me while I tried calling her. Looking back, I think the only reason she agreed was because she didn’t quite understand the concept of death.

I went to the bathroom and got some water. Then came back to my room, grabbed my flashlight, a hand mirror and turned off the light. We stood in front of my dresser mirror, while my sister held the flashlight up to the mirror and I held the hand mirror. We figured the more mirrors the better. I doubt my younger sister had any idea what was going on, she didn’t seem scared at all. I began to call her name, while putting water on my mirror.

“Bloody Mary . . . Bloody Mary . . . Bloody Mary.”

I knew it had to work this time, but after a couple minutes of nothing I tried again. Still nothing! The third time I shouted her name three times. I was no longer scared and it sounded more like I was demanding her to come out, but still no Bloody Mary. “This is so stupid! She’s not even real!”, I said.

I have to admit I was a bit upset. Some kids were disappointed when they found out Santa wasn’t real, but I was disappointed when I found out Bloody Mary wasn’t real.

I guess it’s a good thing she isn’t though, otherwise I wouldn’t be here right now.

I knew i’d be back.

jagx — Fri, 14 May 2010 22:24:43 +0000

I took some time away from this for a number of reasons, but I missed it.

Lots of emotions are running through my mind right now.I will try not to be too serious here….there’s so much to say, but I don’t know where to even begin….

Sometimes I just want someone to hold me in their arms while I cry out everything I have inside, but true is I’m afraid to cry in front of others. but I hold back in fear of getting hurt, in fear of being yelled at, in fear of what they will say. Other times I just want to sit and talk for hours about everything and how I felt and still feel.I don’t want them judging me and I don’t want their pity, I just want their love and understanding. I know I’m not alone, but I still feel so alone.

Here are somethings that I’ve learned recently.

You can’t always trust people when they say they’ll be there for you.

Some people will never change.

You can fall out of love.

Breakfast really is the most important meal of the day.

A 15 minute workout can go a long way.

Being yourself is rewarding.

Letting go can be the hardest and easiest thing at the same time.

If I’m not important enough to be in your life, then you’re not important enough to be in mine.

You’re never really alone.

My family is all

Sometimes you need to put yourself first.
People can surprise you.

Expect the unexpected.
You have a penis SO STOP ACTING LIKE A GIRL!

F*ck, I really hate people sometimes!

Did I miss anything? This is all I can think of at the moment.

Goodbyee

jagx — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 07:05:34 +0000

I’ve thought about this for a while,and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to continue to blog anymore here.

There are a few reasons,but it’s mostly that I’m not in the same place in my life that I was when this began. This has been my sounding board where I’ve poured out all of my emotions following a very painful chapter in my life.
That part of me has completely healed.I’ve grown up a lot in different ways and resolved to continue to move forward.I’ve created a life for myself that I am proud of and I’m incredibly happy. I’ve also become a lot more selective about posting my feelings or what I’m doing on the internet.I will probably go back to pen and paper when I have to write for release.

This site has seen me at my worst, but now I’m at my best and it’s time to move forward.I’d like to thank the readers who have faithfully visited,commented on my writing,and shared encouragement along the way.It has been great reading your blogs and following your updates.

I sincerely wish everyone out there well.If you’d like, please feel free to keep in touch with me at jag0826@gmail.com
I don’t use myspace or twitter much,and no I do NOT have a facebook.

Again thanks and farewell.

<3 -Juanna

Things change.

jagx — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 08:14:03 +0000

I will never forget or forsake these no matter how good I think he is.

1. I will not date a guy who treats other people badly or talks badly of people.

2. I will not date a guy who is constantly negative.

3. I will not date a guy who does not have his own set of friends.

4. I will not date a guy that I can’t have an intelligent conversation with. If he doesn’t challenge me intellectually, I’m going to get really bored, really quickly.

5. I will not date guy that doesn’t know how to articulate how he feels about me.

6. I will not date a guy who says one thing and does another.

7. I will not date a guy who doesn’t have a life outside of me. He needs to be his own person and I need to be my own person.

8. I will not date a guy who is insecure or jealous and uses sentences like “Juanna’s dating me“. Another thing that made me want to puke.

9. I will not date a guy who doesn’t respect authority and the law.

10. I will not date a guy who makes a habit out of drinking or does drugs.

11. I will not date a guy who constantly says the F word. I understand that people get frustrated and use that to convey their agitation, but in every sentence that comes out of their mouth? “F this..F that” is a complete turn off for me.

12. I will not date a guy who doesn’t make a point to have a good relationship with my family.

13. I will not date a guy whose answer to my question “What’s most important to you?” is “uh…I dunno…” Yeah…its happened..

14. I will not date a guy who think money can buy my love.

15. I will not date a guy who refers to me as “his woman”.

16. I will not date a guy who does not allow me to have friends,just because he’s selfish enough to put his insecurities before me.

17.I will not date a guy who is disrespectful At least let me think you’re a gentleman before I introduce you to my friends… Geez.

18.I will not date a guy who is ‘too busy’ to call,but has free time during the ‘busy time’ to do other stuff i am well aware of.

19.personal favorite..I will NOT date a guy who is indecisive,i will not deal with indecision.

20,I almost forgot,i will not date a guy who plays games.They don’t work with me!

Maybe that makes me high maintenance, but those are my standards and I’m stickin’ to ‘em

I could get used to it.

jagx — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 10:15:18 +0000

I sat there, sipping my water making conversation with a new friend i made,While my crazy friend had fun haha.

I thought I knew where the converstion was going, but nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to hear. I wish some supernatural force could have warned me. As a girl who has her fair share of skeletons in the closet, I know I have absolutely no right to judge anyone. But I can’t really help it. At least I felt badly about the things I’ve done and would take it all back if I could. Can’t imagine hurting anyone else.

He is proud and sees nothing wrong. That’s what gets me. I wish he would’ve said something along the lines of “that was the worst thing I’ve ever done and I am sorry.” I couldn’t help but stare at the person sitting beside me and thinking he must have ice water running through his veins. And even though I really don’t care for her, I honestly felt horrible that he would do that to her — and not feel bad. Is a conscience so hard to come by nowadays?

I couldn’t help but feel sick. If she knew the way he was talking about…them in sordid details…she’d be extremely betrayed and hurt. I really don’t need to know her like that. I honestly felt bad for this girl, and he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s done. Couldn’t help but shake my head.

I explained that I have been in her shoes, and there was a part of me that never really fully healed. I’m not sure I can be friends with someone who feels no remorse for treating others badly. :/